When I Will Not Be

I have been running from myself too much over the years, I’ve been hiding within myself, I’ve suffered – alone and lonely, I really wanted to run from myself and the world, I’ve thought about a last flight downwards, or… what else, I don’t know… I’ve wished to be gone, to stop these mindless thoughts, my desire to do something meaningful and the failure because…this is the time. Such is the time. My time. Our time. And when I really won’t be here, only a tear of wax will be left, several books, all of them written with so much hard work but they will stay. There. If anyone wants, they could see me.

The sunset will stay. Twilight, my favourite time will stay too. Someone might ask somebody else: “Mummy, what’s the twilight?” and two little faces will stay stuck on the window, the faces of my two daughters and theirs…and they will stare into that blue-purple-indigo night, between the day and the falling darkness, and then they will hear: “There, that is the twilight”. I will have turned into twilight. And mist. I love the mist. You might ask why. Well, I don’t know. I disperse in it, literally. It veils me when it spreads, and I’m left alone with myself, it hides me from the others and it’s only me there. The mist is such a bizarre thing! I can fantasize as much as I wish. And breathe this moist air, which gets deep inside me.

Breathe in the mist, watch sunsets, follow the twilight. I will be there and I will be waiting to meet you. When I will not be. This is what I’ve loved the most. Don’t be nostalgic about the sunset; this is the way I used to feel. It was nothing but nostalgia, memories and endless balance-striking. Watch the sunset with Hope! Because the Sun will rise again tomorrow! Wait for it and be thankful! For the New Day! The New Hope! The Expectation! Every day is a new Hope. Never lose your hopes, despite everything, and regardless of everything! Just like the way I kept trying through those long and harrowing years, to act in spite and regardless of everything. Watch the stars as well! Don’t look at them like they’re cold, flashing stars, but little lights, a part of the big Cosmos that surrounds us and breathes with us, lives with us and inside of us. Look up to the stars and fly high. Up there, the big Moon is alone and lonely. “Always aim at the Moon! Even if you can’t reach it, at least you’ll get the chance to be among the stars.” Too high a lath. For me. A high wish for my daughters. Chase the horizon! It is something impossible to reach. It keeps running, moving away. Run to it! Just like I used to. And when I manage to reach the horizon, the bound between the earth and the air, then I will disperse and I will not be there anymore… When… I will not be…

And so many things I have loved will stay! So I will stay too, and I will still exist. When I will not be.

There will be Christmas! The smell of everything lenten I made with so much love. There will be Christmas! The smell of the pine, the beans, the stuffed leaves, I will be inside them all! Because I love Christmas! Yes, there will be bread, too! I love kneading bread for Christmas! Our Christmas! Knead it, put the coin inside and make a wish. And dream! Dreams surely come true! Even if it’s too late, they do. That’s why they’re called dreams! To be chased and to come true in the end. I’ll be in the bread’s smell. In its steam – in the pleasant scent that makes you take a bite before it has cooled down – I will be there! In the Bread! I have woven in – with Presence!